Hacked Fairytale
by Summer Sweet
Summary: Various .hack characters, along with various fairytales. Many dirty jokes, lots of yaoi, and other sick and twisted stuff. *Little Red Twin Blade*CinderElk*
1. The Tale of Little Red Twin Blade

Before I start this, I want to make two things very, very clear. Firstly, this isn't a .hack//SIGN fic - FF.N doesn't have a section for the other .hack series, so I'm posting this here. Secondly, and this is very important, so listen up:  
  
THIS IS A JOKE.  
  
A really bad and tasteless joke, yes, but a joke nonetheless. And I originally had prepared a short speech on how this was all Yumi's fault so please don't kill me, but I realized something - this is *my* fault. I wrote it, re-wrote it, and posted it, thus, I must take responsibility. Just...please don't kill me. XP I'm a sick and twisted psycho, but I'm a NICE sick and twisted psycho!  
  
Just keep in mind that I gave out warnings for a reason...  
  
*  
  
Disclaimer: The only bit I own of any .hack series is my Kite capsule toy, and yes, he is terribly embarrassed about this fic. But really - please don't sue me. While Kite-kun may get a new home with you, I have nothing else for you to get.  
  
*  
  
Once upon a time, there was a young, girly boy named Kite, except everyone called him Little Red Twin Blade, because he was a Twin Blade and he wore red, though he wasn't very little. Not where it counted, anyway.  
  
One day, one of the members of Kite's party, BlackRose, gave him a covered basket and said, "Take this to Balmung, up in his lair. He's been ill lately, and I thought this might cheer him up."  
  
"Okay," said Kite, not even bothering to wonder why on earth she would want Balmung cheered up, nor why she thought a basket would do the trick, and began to skip off through The World to Balmung's lair.  
  
Presently he realized he was quite lost indeed, and as he wandered through the dungeon he was in, his heart began to sink until it had nearly fallen out and made a good mess on the floor. Fortunately for him, luck was on his side, for he soon met another person inside that dungeon! A very odd-looking person, but another person nontheless.  
  
"Who are you?" he asked, in that cute, girly way of his.  
  
"I'm Skeith," said Skeith, "the Big Bad Phase - er, I mean, a newbie who's only been playing for two hours. Say," he added, eyeing Kite's arse and deciding that it was a very nice arse, "you wouldn't mind showing me around, would you?"  
  
"Okie-dokie," said Kite. "It'd be hard for you to find your way around anyway, since you don't have a head."  
  
"Where are you headed, anyway?"  
  
"Oh, I'm just going over to Balmung's lair, to deliver him this basket." Kite held it up. Skeith peeked inside and wondered why it had panties in it.  
  
"Well, then," he declared, "What a cowinkydink!" He wondered briefly why he had just said 'cowinkydink', then continued, "I'm heading to Balmung's lair, too!"  
  
"Really, wow! We can go together!" Kite beamed. Skeith decided that they would definitely be making a 'stop' along the way at a hotel. Were there even hotels in The World...? Well, they'd be making a 'stop' somewhere, in any case.  
  
So Kite and Skeith linked arms and went skipping around the dungeon, looking for a way out and singing, "We're off to see Ba~almung! The wonderful Balmung of...damn, where is he from, anyway?"  
  
Presently, Skeith became utterly disgusted by the cuteness and happiness of the whole thing, and somehow slipped off without Kite's noticing during the last few choruses of, "99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall". He needed a good beer, by that point.  
  
However, he wasn't one to give up a good catch when he found it, and so, determined to molest the boy, he hopped into the nearest Chaos Gate and arrived at Balmung's lair well before him.   
  
Upon reaching the door, he noticed that pinned to it was a note - scrawled under the fuzzy pink bunnies on the stationary was, in Balmung's unmistakable word processing, "Gone for a bit. Out to steal candy from small children and pick up some milk and butter on the way home."  
  
"Bwahaha!" thought Skeith, "this gives me the perfect opportunity to molest Little Red Twin Blade!" With that, he crawled in through a window and began to go through Balmung's dresser, looking for a disguise.  
  
"My goodness," he muttered in shock, picking his way through Balmung's huge collection of panties, most of them pink and frilly. "I didn't think anybody could have more of these than me."  
  
Finally, he'd decided on the perfect disguise. He inflated a balloon, drew a happy face on it, and then adorned it with a David Bowie wig.  
  
"There," he said, stepping back to admire his work. "The perfect head! Nobody will be able to tell the difference!"  
  
There came a knock at the door. He jumped, quickly grabbed the head and plopped it on his shoulders, then dove into Balmung's bed, without even giving a thought as to why the sheets were all sticky and funny-smelling.  
  
"Come in, dearie," he said, doing his best to imitate Balmung's voice. He figured he probably shouldn't have said, 'dearie', but one never knew with Balmung...  
  
Kite opened the door and peered in. "Ba~almung? I brought you something!"  
  
"Come closer, little boy," Skeith cooed, attempting to make the balloon grin eerily. Kite blinked, but came the rest of the way into the room.  
  
"...My, Balmung," he said, squinting at him. "What a...happy smile...you have."  
  
"All the better to leer at you with, dearie."  
  
"And Balmung," he continued, tilting his head and looking at him strangely, "what a...shiny face you have..."  
  
There was a slight pause as Skeith attempted to come up with a response to that. Finally, he said, "All the better to blind you with, my dear."  
  
"And Balmung," Kite started again, but was interrupted as the door in the hallway burst open, and Balmung's voice yelled, "WHO'S BEEN IN MY LAIR?!"  
  
"Crap," said Skeith.  
  
"SOMEBODY'S BEEN GOING THROUGH MY PANTIES!" Balmung roared, opening the door and glaring fiercely. "AND ONE OF THEM IS MISSING!"  
  
His gaze fell upon Skeith.  
  
"AND SOMEBODY'S BEEN IN MY BED! AND HE'S STILL THERE!" The winged bishie pointed dramatically at the bed. Kite put his hands on his hips and wagged a finger at him.  
  
"Balmung, what did I tell you about using your indoor voice?"  
  
He blinked, finally noticing that Kite was there. He took a moment to look between him and Skeith, then stepped in front of the former and made little shooing motions. "Go away, little knave-program."  
  
"Okay," he squeaked, and ran off as fast as his little virtual legs could carry him. Since he was in a good mood, Balmung decided not to care that he'd taken the David Bowie wig with him.  
  
"Now, since I have protected you from the foul beast," he declared to Kite, "I expect some kind of...favour...in return."  
  
"Oh, really?" Kite raised an eyebrow and stared pointedly below his waist. "My, Balmung. What a big sword you have."  
  
"All the better to boink you with, my dear."  
  
- Owat~ta! -  
  
Happy now, Yumi? XP 


	2. CinderElk

Well...y'all wanted me to do a series, so this is your faults. XB Yeah, I'm making a whole line of these things - if you have any ideas for what other fairytales I should do, feel free to say so. _ This one is, again, dedicated to Yumi, for making me promise to finish this in exchange for the DVD files.  
  
I have nothing against Lyoth. I just needed a villain. =_=;;; And YES, I know the web doesn't exist in .hack time! Leave me alone! ;_;  
  
Disclaimers from chapter one still apply.  
  
*  
  
Once upon a time, there was a cute, adorable, and utterly molestable little boy named Elk who lived in The World. Yes, not just Any World, but THE World.  
  
Little Elk had a wonderful life, until one day his system administrator died and was replaced by Lyoth, who was indeed a very Evil StepAdministrator.  
  
Lyoth liked green. And beer. He liked green and beer so much that he had a big green potbelly, and he went around flaunting it to young women in The World, who were understandably disturbed and logged off, never to use their internet connections again.  
  
This made Lyoth very pissy, and so he took it all out poor little Elk -- not in that way, you sick, twisted perverts. Even I have standards. Instead, he made Elk go out and write down all the member addresses in The World, so that they could be recorded in his database. Poor Elk did as he was told, because he's so sweet and hoped that one day Lyoth would keel over and die and he wouldn't have to do anymore work for him. It didn't occur to him to just report him, after all.  
  
So every day Elk would go out and search for more members to write down the addresses of, and Lyoth would sit back with his feet up and drink beer. And look at green stuff. And flirt with girls. And all that other stuff he does.  
  
This happened so often that Elk became known as, "SenderAddressElk", though that was a bit long, so it was simply shortened to, "SenderElk". Over time, this became slurred so it became, "ShinderElk", and finally, "CinderElk".  
  
One day in particular, Elk came running back to Lyoth's dwellings, his list of member addresses flapping behind him, his face and eyes and certain other parts of his body excited.  
  
"HAI, Lyoth-sa~ma!" he yelled, bouncing merrily into his office. "I have the member addresses, mite kudasa~i!"  
  
"Shut up," said Lyoth, and put on some fluffy green earmuffs.  
  
"Guess what, Lyoth-sa~ma!" Elk continued, hopping up and down with a look of utter bliss shining on his face. "Guess what guess what guess what!"  
  
"You had sugar."  
  
"Nope! I had aromatic grass! And guess who gave it to me?"  
  
"I give up. Gimmie the addresses and go away."  
  
"BUU! I met a GIRL today!"  
  
"Good for you."  
  
"Eh, I think she was a girl, anyway..."  
  
"Can I have those addresses now?"  
  
"Her username's Mia, and she's GORGEOUS!" His eyes filled with stars as he fell back in a swoon. "She's got a kitty skin, and --"  
  
Lyoth choked.  
  
Elk stared at him blankly. "What? I like cats."  
  
Annoyed at this excess blabbing, Lyoth snatched the list from his hands and scanned it briefly. "Good work for today, I guess. Now go away and leave me in pea --" His eyes caught onto a certain address on the list. Actually, it was pretty hard to miss, considering Elk had outlined it in red and drawn little hearts around it. "Elk, whose address is this?!"  
  
"Mia's, of course," he chirped, looking adorably confused. "Why do you ask?"  
  
"No reason," he replied, an evil grin spreading across his face. "Nothing at all. Muwahaha! Er, here, you can take the rest of the day off. Go ahead and have fun."  
  
"REALLY?" Elk's eyes got big and sparkly. "WAI! Sankyuu, Lyoth-sama~a!" He skipped out, tripped, fell flat on his face, and then got up and continued skipping. Because...he's like that.  
  
Little did he know of the diabolical scheme Lyoth was planning to ensnare his precious Mia! For what Lyoth had noticed upon that list was that Mia's member address happened to be the same as a user who was being pursued for illegal editing of her character. Ohoho, if only he -- Lyoth! -- could catch this catgirl and turn her in, mayhaps his superiors would find it fit to get him out of the shitty job he had and into a cushy new one with lots of beer and cute girls.  
  
And so, Lyoth began to do something he hadn't done in years -- he began to think. Think, of course, of a scheme so wise and so clever that it could ensnare this Mia in its clutches! Finally, though, he just gave up and plagarized one from off a website somewhere. With luck, he'd be promoted and gone before anybody figured it out.  
  
The very next day, a message advertising the greatest dance ever in all The World was spammed all over the message boards. Then again, 'twouldn't be too hard for it to be the greatest, considering it was also the first...  
  
"For one day," it read, "all users are invited to a temporary location in The World, where their characters will be given a temporary ballroom-wear skin, in celebration of...eh...hang on, let me think of a plausible lie...oh, yes, celebration of our twenty-millionth user! You'll believe that, right? Keywords are Lying Plausible Royal Palace or, alternatively, Pretty Sparkly Bunny."  
  
When Elk heard the news, he was so excited he nearly popped out of his character skin. "WAI! WAI! I wonder if Mia will go with me? I'll be...like...like a DATE! Ureshii!" And with that, he skipped foozily off to find her.  
  
Or he would have, had Lyoth not grabbed him by the arm and pulled him back into his office.  
  
"You," he said nastily, his potbelly jiggling like a bowl full of moldy green Jell-O, "are not going anywhere near that Lying Plausible Royal Palace, with its pretty sparkly bunnies! Instead, you will be sitting here, reviewing all the member addresses you've collected so far."  
  
Elk's eyes teared up and he began to sob pitifully. "But why, Lyoth-sama~a? Why such a cruel punishment?"  
  
"Eh, no real reason." He scratched his head. "Naah, I just need somebody to guard the beer for me. Although," he added, casting a suspicious glance at the digital sky, "it seems almost as if some cosmic Author-sama is trying desperately to pull together this fic at the expense of throwing our twisted corpses into the gaping plotholes she creates."  
  
Elk giggled. "You have such silly ideas, Lyoth-sama~a."  
  
In any case, as it went, poor little Elkie-welkie wasn't to be allowed to go, and Lyoth went so far as to password-protect the door to his office so he couldn't get out. So Elk spent his evening weeping in the office, fantasizing about Mia, and weeping some more.  
  
After about ten minutes of this, Elk decided he simply wasn't going to stand for being apart from Mia so long, and began banging on the door, trying to shake the password off. Needless to say, it didn't work.  
  
Suddenly, though, a knock was heard at the door.  
  
Elk blinked. "Eh! Suman ne! I can't let you in, I don't know the password!" He thought for a moment, then added hopefully, "Miaa? Is that yo~u?"  
  
There was a pause, and then the door fell off its hinges. Elk gasped, choked on his own spit, and fell over twitching.  
  
There stood a woman in a funky hat, with very little in the way of a bodice, and a frown upon her face.  
  
"I," she declared, "am your Fairy GodHacker, Helba."  
  
"Oh! Yes! I know you!" Elk beamed cheerfully up at her. "You're Helba of the All-Seeing Nipples!"  
  
Helba cringed. "Please...don't talk about that. It was a long time ago, and I'm a changed woman."  
  
"Hai, Nipples-sa~an!"  
  
She bonked him over the head with her staff.  
  
"In any case," she continued, "I am here to make sure you go to the ball tonight."  
  
Elk scratched his head and stared cutely at her. "Uhm...why?"  
  
"Because I have nothing better to do. Plus, I enjoy helping out young, cute little boys." She leered creepily at him.  
  
He gulped. "Uhm....okie-dokie."  
  
"First," Helba declared, "You must have the appropriate dress!"  
  
She folded her arms and Blinked, and suddenly Elk was outfitted in a beautiful, floor-length white gown, with frills and ribbons and a somehow fittingly low-cut bodice. He clapped his elegantly-gloved hands and giggled.  
  
"Wai! Wai! I'm so..." He twirled around, marveling at how the skirt twirled up to show off his matching panties, "I'm so PRETTY!" He stuck a foot out and admired it. "Wai wai! What's this shoe made of? Glass?"  
  
Helba snorted. "Of course not. That's so impractical; they break practically all the time. And for heaven's sakes, who wants to dig glass out of their feet for the rest of their life? No. These," she stated, firmly tapping her staff against the clear footwear, "are plexiglass slippers."  
  
"Practical," Elk agreed.  
  
"Indeed. Now," she continued, "the second thing I need is a pumpkin."  
  
"...Um, pumpkins don't grow in Lyoth-sama~a's office. And I've no idea where to get one this time of night."  
  
"What? Curses, foiled again! Well, it doesn't really matter, I guess. It's just that pumpkins make the nicest Chaos Gates, and you can roast their seeds to make a yummy snack in case you hungry on the way."  
  
Helba sighed and picked up Lyoth's favorite paperweight, the one shaped like a naked and suggestively-posing Nagi. "This will have to do."  
  
She twitched her nose at it, and it instantly transformed into a Chaos Gate, with a naked and suggestively-posing Nagi draped over the top. She grinned and waved down at them, wiggling certain bits of herself in the way only Nagi can.  
  
Elk, however, only had eyes for Mia. He thought for a moment, then decided she'd understand if he sort of glanced at her quickly, then took a good long peek. "Oooo."  
  
Helba sternly patted his skirt back into place. "Come, come, now. Shouldn't you be going?"  
  
"Hai~i." He pouted, but entered the keywords and jumped through the gate, landed flat on his face on the other side. "Waaah, itai de~esu!"  
  
"Excuse me, sir, are you alright?"  
  
Elk looked up to see a giant, fluffy, glittery creature standing above him, concern filling its cuddable features. He gasped and jumped up, crushing the thing in a loving embrace. "WAIIII! SPARKLY BUNNY! SPARKLY BUNNY!"  
  
The bunny choked and twitched. "Sir, please, I think you're crushing some vital organs..."  
  
Elk pouted, but released the poor animal, who immediately slunk off to the side, gasping for breath and nursing his broken ribs.  
  
"WAII! PRETTY LIGHTS!" He *_*ed, forgetting the bunny and skipping happily inside. He made quite an entrance; tripping over his own shoes -- never skip in high-heels, dearies -- and beaming round the room, yelling, "MIIIIIIIIIIIAA! WHERE AAAAARE YOOOOU?"  
  
Fortunately, Mia wasn't there at the moment, else she might of left and never spoken to the boy again.  
  
Everyone stared at him, then decided nah, he wasn't all that odd for a The Worlder, and continued going about their business, whether that be drinking, smoking, talking, or making out over somebody else's lap.  
  
Elk searched the whole place over, from top to bottom to side to other side to other side that shouldn't have been there but was due to a glitch in the programming. Finding no sign of his beloved, he sat down in the middle of the dance floor and began to wail. Of course, considering his oh-so-stragetic location, he was promptly trampled on by a group of users who apparently had just enough hand-eye coordination to type their login information and no more.  
  
"I...itai~" he sobbed, as they danced on him some more. "Oh, Mia, my sweet, my one and only, if you could see me now..."  
  
"If I could see you now, what?" piped up a familiar voice. He jumped up, knocking over the unfortunate dancers, and stared at Mia, wearing a tie-dyed tuxedo with pink satin cape and purple-polka-dotted top hat. "MIA! Oh, my darling!"  
  
Mia blinked. "Uh, Elk, are you okay?"  
  
He stared at her with starry eyes. "I am now, sweetling."  
  
"What did you call me?"  
  
"It matters not! Oh, Mia, how I have longed to see you again, with your beautiful fur brushed to perfection, and your --"  
  
"Elk, why are you wearing a dress?"  
  
"-- your eyes like beautiful lamps on a starry night --"  
  
"Those're cute panties. Where'd you get 'em?"  
  
"-- your...er...your clothes...like...something...out of a fiendish nightmare..."  
  
"Aww, thanks, Elk!"  
  
So," Elk continued, "wanna dance?"  
  
"No, not really. I was just leaving, actu..." Mia's eyes narrowed, and she sniffed the air suspiciously. "ELK!" she gasped, standing up with her hands on her hips, "why didn't you TELL me you had aromatic grass?! Of COURSE I'll dance with you!"  
  
"Waiiiiii!" Elk jumped up, slipped, and proceeded to crash-land on the catgirl. Not that he really minded, of course, it was just that he'd landed in a rather uncomfortable position. Mia, not noticing anything wrong with Elk's foot being higher than his shoulder, went on to lead him in a suggestively interpretive version of the polka.  
  
Suddenly, for lack of anything better to do, Lyoth jumped out from behind a potted plant, which was actually one of those damn boingy melon things and had been trying to eat his leg. "YOU THERE!" he screeched, pointing an accusing finger at Mia, "ARE UNDER ARREST FOR --" The melon latched onto his arm, and he took a moment to start shaking it around frantically, trying to throw it off. " -- illegal editing --" It started to swallow his hand. " -- of your character ski -- GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!" Lyoth fell down to the floor and twitched, the melon happily devouring most of his body by this point. Elk, in an attempt to impress Mia, stepped on his face with his spike-heeled plexiglass shoes.  
  
"Oh, my," said Mia, and stole Lyoth's wallet.  
  
"Oh, Mia, you're so kind and wonderful!" Elk gushed, "You're willing to rob from the rich and give to the poor!"  
  
"...Right," said Mia, pocketing the wallet.  
  
Just then, another dancing couple -- this one a short, red-suited Twin Blade with a gaudy bracelet and a pink-haired Heavy Blade -- tripped and fell over Lyoth's twitching body, and everyone went back to what they were doing.  
  
"You know, Mia," Elk said, twiddling his thumbs, "there's something I've wanted to tell you. I think I lo..."  
  
The clock struck midnight. Midnight started sobbing and wished it had never gotten involved with the mean old clock. Several middle-aged women ran up to the clock, pounding it with their fists and yelling something about how it should never have dared delay the next chapter of MoM.  
  
"Oh, no!" he gasped, starting to run down the stairs, in the direction of the Chaos Gate. "I have to go back to the office! The member address list resets itself every day at midnight!"  
  
Mia stared after him, puzzled. Then she burst out laughing as he tripped over a sparkly bunny and tumbled down the rest of the way, hitting the Gate with an "Oof! ...Lyoth-sama~a's Forbidden Holy Ground, please", leaving behind only a single plexiglass slipper with a stiletto heel, with part of Lyoth's face still stuck on it. She smirked as she reached down and picked up the shoe, giving a gleeful cry as she realized that it was where Elk had hidden his aromatic grass. Then she let out a dismayed cry as she realized that it tasted like his foot.  
  
Meanwhile, Elk was sitting in Lyoth's office and sobbing uncontrollably. "Oh, Mia! Will I ever see you again?! I've lost you forever! AND IT'S ALL THE FAULT OF THOSE DAMNED MEMBER ADDRESSES!!" Thus, he declared himself Destroyer of Member Addresses, and began to tear up the list.  
  
"Oh, you idiot," said Mia, having copied down the keyword and gotten the Twin Blade drunk enough to Gate Hack the way in for her. "Stop doing that and give me some decent aromatic grass, would you?"  
  
"MIAAAAAAA!" He promptly forgot about his mission, and that was how Elk reached and betrayed his occupation as Destroyer of Member Addresses within five seconds. "Of course! Of course! I know this *great* place, totally filled with it all, come on..."  
  
That was only the beginning; for as time went by, Mia and Elk grew closer, though she throughly ignored all his "subtle mentionings" of moving to a country where marrying cats was legal.  
  
The Fairy GodHacker, Helba, was pleased with the results, and happily went off to stick her chest in Kite's face some more.  
  
The sparkly bunnies multiplied, and added, and sometimes did long division, though they mostly just screwed and had kids.  
  
As for Lyoth, well...he escaped the melon, though the webmaster of the site he'd plagarized eventually tracked him down, and was last seen beating him mercilessly upside the head with a pikohan.  
  
-Owat~ta!- 


End file.
